I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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