Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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