I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
