Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
