ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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