So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
