Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
