dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
