Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
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She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
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im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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