she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
