Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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