I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
