Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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