I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Randomize
