I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
