I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
