Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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