she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
you will always have a special place in my vag
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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