So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
