We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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