Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
