The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
