This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
