i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
