I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Terrible idea I love it
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
