First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
love makes seman taste better
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
