Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
