Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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