who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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