Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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