just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
