So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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