a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I think my moral compass just broke
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
