i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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