Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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