Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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