Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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