don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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