I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
