Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
