Will you blow on my dice?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
