mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
