i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
