you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i think i just lost a toe
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
