i already hear my dad disowning me
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
