only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
