Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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