I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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