Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize