1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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