Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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