onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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