I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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