just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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