your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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