You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
