if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I think your dad took our porno
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
