my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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