Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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