I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
