Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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