Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
