As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
